An anniversary I don't care about

It's been 4 years and I don't care.

The heartbreak has faded, the world is aligned. The anger at the obstetricians has dulled. Our lives are in focus, our faith in each other restored. The grief is gone, and the 'why me' has silenced. There might be some twinges that come and go, but not today.

I'm not looking back at where I was 4 years ago on D-day (diagnosis day). In fact I probably would have completely forgotten about it (it was yesterday), except that I'm planning and thinking about what to do for my birthday and realized that it must close.

I have blogged about my thoughts every year on the anniversary.

1 year - http://www.riddingfamily.blogspot.ca/2010/07/one-year.html
2 years - http://www.riddingfamily.blogspot.ca/2011/07/2-years.html
3 years - http://www.riddingfamily.blogspot.ca/2012/07/3-years.html

I still think of the subway ride home, sitting at the stop light, and the experience of an ultrasound where you know there is something wrong, but don't want to hear the words. Those memories will always be with me. But the pain is gone, it is just a memory, a flicker.

So it has been 4 years since we first found out that spina bifida will be a part of our lives.
And it doesn't matter.
It's a part of our lives, it always will be. I will continue to work on educating people around me, advocating for my family and enjoying the love I get to experience.

 

In learning about the stages of grief regarding perinatal bereavement for my professional education, I can recognize the symptoms that we experienced after the diagnosis. It was odd to realize that the charts they showed us could also apply to what we had experienced after our diagnosis. It's difficult to recognize that we were grieving, and at the time we didn't really identify with this term because we were also celebrating our child.

There is no grieving here.
Love, laughter and a 3 1/2 trouble maker and his sister.
Just like every other day.