18 months

I know it is a little early (Nick is 18 months next Lucky Friday the 13th - but it is something that has been on my mind alot lately).

I thought that 18 months would make me excited. I thought it would be a happy age, a good landmark. It has always been one of those ages for me, the ones you look back and gauge things against.

I was warned.

I was warned that 18 months is a hard time for us parents.

It marks a time when some of the motor deficits become very obvious. When I see Nick pulling himself along on the floor and all the other kids his age are running around. Not just taking tentative, shaky steps, but running, everywhere. I remember Katheryn at that age (just before I had Nick), and he is nowhere near where she was, in so many areas!

I need a new mantra, I need to remember that this is not a race, it is not a contest. Nick will do things in his own time, but he will do them.

And by comparing him to other kids at 18 months isn't going to do any of us any good.

But I just can't help it some days.

I was invited to get together with some moms from my babyville mom and baby group. The last time I saw most of them, was when Nick was 1 year old. And yes some kids were walking and standing, but not all of them. This get-together, I was working and wasn't able to go. I am very glad I wasn't able to go. I realized later that how different Nick would be from these kids. How delayed he would look. How sad it would have made me (and how sad it makes me now). And it makes me sad that I'm glad I didn't go. (Yes, I know, I can't really win with myself!)

I hate thinking of Nick in those terms. different, delayed, disabled. Those are not words that I want to use to describe my beautiful, happy boy. These are words that I can forget when I stay in my little Nickolas bubble. Where Nick is making great big strides, working hard (harder than he wants) and making progress. Meterstones.

Our current working goal is getting him stronger
lying to sitting. So basic, and we are still working on it!
AND we still haven't been picked back up from Grandview! (For PT).

Oh yeah, and today at our SB mom and baby group I realized that Nick will probably need a wheelchair as a child. (Even if just for distance, like the zoo or Canada's Wonderland). Which shouldn't make me upset, it is something to give him control and independence. But I'm still a little raw about it. Even though I shouldn't be surprised - and we aren't anywhere near to needing it now.

So we are hitting the 18 month mark a little grumpy. A little depressed. A little sad.
I don't want my baby to grow up. Can't he stay the same age for a little longer and then catch up? Let the Nick timeline and the calender timeline sync just a little?

 At the same time, I know that today I might be sad. Today I might be under my own little rain cloud. But tomorrow Nick will do something fantastic and the sun will shine again. And Nick doesn't think that there is anything wrong with some rain!

BTW - the pictures are from our trip to the Toronto Zoo on Easter weekend.

Some Reality and Foot Stamping

For the last couple of months I can almost forget about what Nickolas is not doing. Forget is maybe the wrong word. I know what he isn't doing, what we are working on PT at him doing. Maybe it is really that I never forget what he isn't doing but I try not to look at what he isn't doing, and concentrate what he is doing.

Until I come face to face with babies the same age as he is. Babies who are crawling around, getting into trouble, coming up and pulling themselves up on their mother's legs. I want that.

OK I know that I am being unreasonable. That I will get that tugging at my jeans eventually. But I want it now! [insert foot stamping here]

We go to a friends house, with babies all the same age. 10 - 11 months. The other babies get put on a mat and are immediately off and crawling and exploring. Nickolas is put on the mat and he stays there, or rolls around but isn`t pulling himself up, isn`t playing with all the toys. Just playing with what he can get.

It just shoves reality in my face and won't let me look away.
I always thought that I had reasonable expectations for Nickolas, that I concentrated on what he could do and not at what he couldn't. That all that mattered to me is a happy child and mobility doesn't matter. I didn't quite realize how much mobility effects so much development and interaction at this age.

But as another fellow blogger mother has pointed out. He's not sad.

Yeah we're all laughing here.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring a better day. We've had 6 appointments (pediatrician, naturopath, opthamologist, repeat hearing test, urodynamics and physio) in the last 8 days. So I think I'm a little SB sensitive today. All the appointments went fine.