A Journey with Love and Laughter

Read about our family as we journey through life as a family, with siblings, school and spina bifida, and lots of fun and laughter along the way!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

2 years

2 years and everything has changed.

I wish I travel back in time to that day. I wish I could be with myself, who was all alone in downtown Toronto and hearing those words. I wish I could have been there when I had to tell Kyle over the phone, because it was 'just a precaution and he might as well stay home with Katheryn'.

I wish I could be there, as I sat on the subway wondering, hoping, praying that this would all go away. I wish I could have been there as I was stuck in rush hour traffic unable to say the words to my mother who was on the phone.

I was all alone, but even in a room full of family and friends, it was still just me. I didn’t know! All I wanted was answers that would not come. I wish I could sit there and give the answers, or at least what questions are important.

I wish when I heard the words 'terminate the pregnancy' I could have been there to show myself that it wasn't necessary. It was a horrible decision to give a mother. In our world of medical advancement, healthcare and great strides in research, why is that even an option anymore?!

I wish I could be there, to sit beside myself and show beautiful happy pictures of my child. Healthy and happy. I wish I could say that spina bifida are not swear words, that it is not a death sentence or quality of life issue.

I wish I could be there to say that everything will be ok. That our family will adapt and be better for it. That the worry and concern about every little thing does not take over and tell myself that spina bifida is not our life.

I remember being worried if we would be able to go to the cottage, if he would be able to swim? Go to school? Play sports? Have fun with his sister? Be part of the family?

All of those concerns that seem so silly on this side of it.

And when I think about how my parents were concerned for ME, how we (Kyle and me) would survive this turn in the road. I wish I could have sat down and showed them that they were concerned about the wrong things.

Don't worry about how life changes when you hear the words "spina bifida". Life changes the moment you see that plus sign on a stick, the moment you wake up in the morning. Life changes! Some changes are expected and some come out of the blue, but that is the nature of life!

2 years ago I wish I knew that doctors don't know all. That sometimes they are horribly, horribly wrong (the words 'burden to your family' comes to mind).

You adapt, you grow, you laugh, you love and you live!
(You really don't care that the kitchen is a mess, but it matches your sons face!)

I remember sitting at a stop light. Staring, wondering, worrying. Wanting it all to be a dream. Why was this happening, why to us, why can't it just go away?! What was my life going to be like, with either choice we made?

I so wish I could have seen into the future, and seen myself now. And know that everything would be ok.

And how in 2 years later everything has changed. And I would never, ever want to take that back!


  1. Great post, Amanda. He is so cute! I'm snuggling with Palmer this morning and wishing we could go back too...

  2. I love this post. I always love the beautiful reflections of our SB mommies - letting me know to keep my chin up, that others have been there and that I'm not alone. :) I love how much of a smiley bug you have!! Super cute!

  3. I love this post, and it is SO true. I wish I could go back and save myself a ton of heartbreak, but I can't. I do, though, hope I can save someone else from it!

  4. Wow, Amanda, I could feel that day for you like it was my own day. Not surprising since I had my own, but it's been a long time since I really remembered the pain and anguish of hearing the words - that sounded like swear words, you're so right there. My heart is aching. But what is really amazing is that the worst days that we have had in the past 18 months, days with surgery and new diagnoses and more bad news, were nothing compared to that day and the whole lead up to birth. Like a death on that day with a 4 month funeral, really. Then comes life and living and all the things that I was so worried about make me almost want to go back and pat myself on the head for being so silly. Maybe the pain is a right of passage, something to make you more acutely aware of how incredibly opposite things are now from how you thought they'd be. It truly is sad that so many people won't get to see how wrong they were the way that we were able to.