I caught a glimpse today. I tried not to, I tried to ignore it, but it still happened.
Nickolas, my happy and adorable child as a 10 month old, if at 28 days gestation his spine had closed. The glimpse came, out of the blue, when I was cathing him. We had just spent time outside playing, Katheryn was downstairs getting into who knows what. And the picture came.
Diaper changes without spina bifida, chasing a crawling infant, spending time relaxing and enjoying ourselves without appointments and forums and blogs, without scars and tubes and assistant devices. Yes the tears started flowing. Because if something had been different on that 28th day, then our life would have a completely different turn. I would still have my gorgeous and wonderful son, he would just be different, easier, more carefree; but he would still be Nickolas.
I wonder sometimes if parents of children with different diagnosis feel the same. Down syndrome, cystic fibrosis are genetic, something didn't happen during development they were created that way. So I feel guilty about what happened on that 28th day. Did I do something? Did I miss a pill? Drink too much tea? Have a hot bath or shower? Any of those things that they think might have caused that little bump in the road of development.
Of course I feel guilty even thinking these things. (And I love the forums and especially the blogs I read). And most days I truly believe that I am right where I am supposed to be. That things have worked out exactly how they are always supposed to be. I just didn't think that today, today I caught an image of something different, something that seems easier and more carefree.
I have a book called 'A Different Kind of Perfect' that has stories of parents of children with special needs. One of the chapters deals with grief. Grieving the child that you imagined when you found out you were pregnant. I guess that this is left over grief. I wonder if it will ever go away, or if it will just fade into the background as I come to terms with our life. I actually had thought I'd come to terms with everything.
But while today brought a surprise need to reach for the tissues, I know that tomorrow I will once again bask in the joys of being the mother of two of the best children in the world! Just the way they are.