A Journey with Love and Laughter

Read about our family as we journey through life as a family, with siblings, school and spina bifida, and lots of fun and laughter along the way!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

We need to talk...

OK we really need to talk about some things. Trust is very important aspect of our relationship and I really feel that you have failed in that department. It is something that we both have to work on and I'm not sure if I'll be really happy until we reach that point in our relationship again.

First of all Kyle and I are great, so are the kids. So who am I 'talking' to? The shunt.

Don't call the men in the white coats to come and take me away... hee hee ha ha ... yet.
My other SB moms know what I'm talking about (I hope).

I feel a bit like I need to get over this. In the range of things that could happen (and will happen) a shunt revision is a walk in the park. (OK Maybe if that park is Regent Park at midnight!) But it just seems to have shaken me and what I thought I knew.

It was one thing I thought I had a handle on, one thing that I knew was there, but didn't really care. It was working, we'd had our year anniversary, we could breathe a little better. Hey I was even measuring his head only once a month! Now we are back to every day.

I guess I am just being naive that it's something I didn't have to worry about. Just one more thing I can stick my head in the sand about. Wow I'm full of metaphors today...
I am back to that gibbering mess where every little cry or sleep has me thinking SHUNT! OK I might be a little hard on myself here. But that is certainly what it is feeling like now. I feel like every day I'm thinking how spina bifida sucks, all my posts have been complaining and negative. Where is the positive?! Where is the hope and dream and this is not that bad! I guess it's there somewhere.

(FYI I put him there - he's not in the pulling up stage yet)

And I'm just not sure how to get past this. I guess time will tell. But what will happen in another 13 months? what will happen in 2 years (apparently the average age of a shunt)? Is there ever a time I can stop worrying about the shunt?! Worry about when it is going to fail us again. Stop trusting it!

So in honor of promoting a trusting relationship I am thinking of names. No I am not crazy. Men can name their ... um ... peter's (or at least tv says they can). So why can't I name Nick's shunt?
Except I am totally overthinking this! I have a couple of names in my head, but not 100% sure on them. It's not like it's something I have to imagine myself yelling "X time for dinner!"
What I've been thinking - considering this is shunt #2, is some B names. But I'm pretty boring, so I have Bob, Bert and Brian. I can totally imagine myself saying/thinking "Oh that Bert, is he acting up again?"
I'll say it again. I'm not crazy.


  1. I have gotten over the worrying everyday about the shunt thing, but I honestly don't know how I got here. I still worry, just not everyday. I still feel his soft spot when he is fussy, I still look for sunsetting eyes if he sleeps longer than ususal, but not everyday. I think we SB moms feel we need to have control, so we pick our poison. As you know, right now mine is Evans GI stuff. I worry, I think we all worry. That's what makes us good moms.

    If naming his shunt helps you, I will laugh with you!

  2. so true! so true! You have a great way to putting things. thanks for the laugh.

    I don't know if I've ever introduced myself. my name is Jen I found your blog through another spina bifida blog. My son, Owen, has SB. and a shunt and has had 5 revisions. he is going to be 4 years old next week.

    I have a term I've coined for this love/hate relationship with the shut: SMP Shunt Malfunction Paranoia. I have flair ups now and then. I think you know what I'm talking about. I've been experiencing SMP yesterday and today. the shunt is not holding up its end of our trusting relationship for me this week!

    check out Owen's site. www.caringbridge.org/visit/owenpotter

  3. I love it... a letter to the shunt!

  4. You are not alone - and I KNOW if Rocco started acting up I'D have trust issues as well. So far we've been blessed for a whole year with Rocco, but you say the phrase "2 years" and that's got me panicked again! lol. So hang in there - I think the more time you have with Bernard (that's my vote - it means "strong as a bear" lol. Cool right?!) the more you will relax and trust. But most of all - trust yourself, your instincts - self doubt promotes anxiety and worry. So be strong and trust in that.

  5. OMG, I can't stop laughing! Mostly at Joanna having already named Jet's Rocco! I like Bernard as well, for what it's worth. And I definitely suffer from SMP as well. Between Beckett, Caleb and now Nickolas, I have been having frequent flare ups. I realize we currently have bigger things going on, but that only adds to the worry!

    The trust will come back. You really do have to pick your battles. Eventually, you will unconciously choose to let it go and relax. Let Bernard do his thing. No doubt, at some point he'll be a sneaky bugger and give you trouble, but until then... :)